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MIKE SISCOE

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Three Mins of Hate

To many Americans, watching the World Cup is akin to waterboarding, a root canal, herpes flare up, red hot poker in the ass, a 24 hour Justin Bieber channel, a date with Courtney Love, having Michael Lohan as your father, watching a Triple Header of Steel Magnolias, Beaches, and The Notebook with no vagina, trying to have an in-depth discussion with Sarah Palin, and slamming a needle in your eye, over and over again, all rolled in to one. I’m here to tell you, America, you’re wrong.

The World Cup is the greatest sporting event ever! Period!! Or rather EXCLAMATION POINT!!! You have no idea what Americans are missing out on every four years. If the general public only knew what billions of others know so well, soccer would not only be our national sport, it would be our religion. Here’s why:

REASON # 1: THE WORLD SHUTS DOWN FOR THE WORLD CUP: I’ve used every excuse known to mankind to get out of work. I’ve attended 32 different funerals for people who even related or dead, seen dozens of doctors for ailments I never had, and pulled every muscle in my body, just to get out of work. I even claimed I needed a hysterectomy. Americans would rather play hooky than go to work. In every country, on the entire planet, when the World Cup is on, nothing else happens, that includes work. You heard me; you get paid to watch TV. Everybody stops, everybody watches, and everybody cheers. Instead of slaving away, you get a month off to celebrate like a rock star.

REASON #2: CELEBRATE LIKE ROCK STARS: Sure, we can riot when our team wins the Super Bowl, but that’s just one city. Big deal, that’s rookie stuff compared to a World Cup party. In the Copa Del Mundo, when your team wins, the entire nation goes bat-shit crazy. Imagine, every bar, in every city, in every state, giving out free drinks, and filled with loose, easy women, eager to share their drunken love with any rabid fan, for 24 hours straight. That’s not even the best part. In soccer, people go crazy when you tie. That’s right. You get laid, when you don’t win. Your team ties 1 – 1, it’s libations and lube for everyone. Why? Because soccer fans are insane!

REASON #3: SOCCER FANS ARE INSANE: Sure, the guy in Green Bay wearing nothing but a banana hammock and gold and green body paint in the middle of a January is considered a real fan, but in the world of international soccer, he’s a rank amateur. Dare I say, a pussy. Real soccer fans don’t just have a tailgate party, cook some brats, and wear a big foam finger to show their pride. No! They go to war, not figuratively, literally. Real soccer fans kill each other over the sport. The world looks down on us for invading a country under false pretenses, and yet, if we invaded them because of a bad call, it would be totally understandable if not forgiven. We’re Americans, we love going to war!! There hasn’t been a decade in the last 100 years without some American military intervention. Why look for excuses to invade someone, when soccer is not only a valid reason, but totally cool with everyone else. Do you think Colombia is going to give a rat’s ass if we invade Panama because the ref blew a call? How could they. Back in 1994, when Colombian defender Andres Escobar accidentally kicked the ball into his own net, he was gunned down by soccer fans in his home country. Did I mention, the pressure is intense!!

REASON #4: THE PRESSURE IS INTENSE: Sure, you could make an argument that base loaded, bottom of ninth, Game 7 of the World Series is a pressure filled situation. Again, dare I say, pussies! That’s chump change compared to a qualifying match in Angola. FYI, there is no law against bringing automatic weapons to a game in Angola. Americans love pressure. We love stress. That’s why we love those Game 7 moments. We love the intensity. Now imagine that intensity, that stress, that do or die moment, every single day, with over 3 Billion people watching, for a month. THAT’S PRESSURE! I know what you’re saying, “But Mike, what pressure? Sounds like a bunch of freaks to me.” Yes!! Freaks who kill you when you don’t win. Soccer fans don’t throw beer at players who blow the big game. They drink the beer, and throw explosives. They burn down stadiums, they light things and people on fire, and they kill you when you don’t win. I don’t know if I’ve stressed that enough. You think A-Rod is going to choke with the bases loaded on Bring Your Own AK-47 Night. Not a chance. Intense pressure, people, that’s what makes soccer players better athletes.

REASON #5: SOCCER PLAYERS ARE BETTER ATHLETES: In America, we worship the athlete. We pay them millions of dollars, shower them with endorsements, and nine times out of ten, let them kill their spouses . Soccer players are better than all professional athletes in America today. You heard me. Hockey players may beat the crap out of each other, but the average shift on the ice is less than a minute. A whole minute, be still my heart. The average football play last 5 to 10 seconds. Someone figured out once that there was, on average, a total of 12 minutes of actual playing time in a 60 minute football game. 12 whole minutes, stop it you fat bastards. Speaking of fat bastards, if Johnny “One Ball” Kruk can be considered a professional athlete, then baseball players shouldn’t even be considered in this discussion. Basketball players run up and down a court one-third the size of a soccer field for 48 minutes. Soccer players run three times as far for twice as long, and they don’t get convicted or have baby mama drama. Suck on that!

So what are you waiting for, America! What more do you need. We love a party, so why not join the biggest fiesta on the planet. Take a month off from life, and join ever other living being on Earth. Gather around whatever TV set you can find, and watch the greatest sporting event in history. Sure you could watch the Husqvarna-Toro Lawn Tractor Strongman competition on ESPN 5. Why not? Who doesn’t love bulbous Swedish men pulling an engine block with their taint. I’m sure it’s every bit as exciting as 3 Billion ape shit crazy maniacs drinking and celebrating like there is no tomorrow. Get on the global bandwagon people. You won’t be disappointed.

REASON #6: YOU WON’T BE DISAPPOINTED!